


Wisdom Teeth

by Fabulolz



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Aliens, Bad at Everything, Canon Universe, Comedy, Funny, I Don't Even Know, I made up shark aliens that spawned from sharnado, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Bad At Titles, Lance (Voltron) in Denial, M/M, Mentions of Sex, One Shot, Pining Keith (Voltron), Silly, That's it, Wisdom Teeth, Yes., slight fourth wall breaking, stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 08:45:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12077631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fabulolz/pseuds/Fabulolz
Summary: There are no dentists in space.Or so they thought...





	Wisdom Teeth

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't have made a more vague summary, lol. Anyway, wisdom teeth videos make me laugh. Lance is my favorite character. Boom.

 “Ow…” Every other bite of food goo was pain, “Ow, Quiznak…” Lance groaned, holding his jaw, “Hunk, there’s something wrong with this goo.” He let out a strained sigh as he held the spoon up, letting the substance drip down into the bowl, “It’s hard to chew…”

“Food goo is squishy. Don’t know what it’s made of, but it’s definitely not hard chew.” Hunk chuckled, “It’s got a baby food consistency.”

“Yuck, don’t remind me of baby food. I’ll start thinking about my mama’s old squash and peas mash.” Lance rolled his eyes, “Maybe this goo’s got bones in it.”

“Nah, don’t think so…” Hunk hummed scratching his chin curiously, “I’m not having a problem with my food, so maybe it’s you?”

“Me?” Lance was puzzled, “What could possibly be wrong with m-? Oh.”

“Oh what?”

“Dude, I need my wisdom teeth removed.” Lance sunk down in his chair at the table, “I’m like, a few months, maybe even years, late for my appointment.”

Hunk snorted in response, “You mean you didn’t get them removed back on Earth before you attended the garrison?”

“No, my dentist told me I needed to wait because they weren’t ready to be taken out. Now I guess they are…”

“What’s being taken out?” Shiro asked, entering the dining room with Keith.

“Lance needs his wisdom teeth removed.” Hunk replied simply.

“You didn’t need to tell Keith that!” Lance huffed.

“You mean you didn’t get them removed before you attended the garrison?” Keith tilted his head.

“We’ve already been over this! I didn’t need them removed at the time!” Lance took a bite only to howl in pain once more.

“You okay, Lance?” Shiro asked, slightly concerned.

“Ugh…” Lance slammed his head on the table, “I can’t even eat food goo! I am no Bueno!”

“What does that mean?” Keith questioned.

“It means shut your Quiznak, but in Spanish.” Lance scowled.

“I only took one year of Spanish in high school and I know that’s not true.” Hunk snorted.

“Well, whatever, okay?! Can we please fix me? Can’t I sit in a healing pod for a week or something?”

“I don’t think a healing pod will fix your tooth pain… We should ask Coran if Alteans have something like wisdom teeth…” Shiro recommended.

“Can we not and say we did?” Lance huffed.

“Why?”

“Because he saw Keith and I-!” The Cuban boy paused when he saw a certain raven-haired man’s glare, “Because Keith and I don’t like talking to Coran!” He lied.

Hunk raised an eyebrow, “What?”

“Uh let’s ask Pidge if she can help with her computer skills!” Lance sped out of the dining room, the other three following at their own paces.

* * *

 

“So, let me get this straight; You need to find a dentist?”

“Yes.”

“In a whole other galaxy where most species are not human?”

“…Yes.”

“Pidge, just help him out so he’ll stop whining.” Keith sighed.

“For your information, mullet head, it hurts a lot!” Lance hissed.

“I’ll see what I can do.” Pidge started typing into her computer, “Dentist… Teeth specialist… Teeth doctor… Doctor…” She mumbled, trying to ask a search query for a substitute dentist.

“Pidge, my teeth aren’t getting any less painful.” Lance crossed his arms impatiently, glancing at Keith. The pale boy caught his eye and Lance immediately looked away, blushing.

“Uh, here’s something..?” She opened an article that matched her data search, “The teeth collector. Maybe she knows a thing or two on human teeth.” She pulled up a picture of a beautiful looking alien woman.

“Keith, take Lance to the teeth collector’s planet in the black lion.” Shiro said.

“Alright, let’s go.” Lance slicked back his hair grinning as he left the room, Keith sulking behind him.

* * *

 

“I take it you’re not making your hair look nice for me, huh?” Keith grunted as he steered the black lion into motion.

“What? It’s not like you’re my boyfriend or husband or whatever.” Lance licked his fingers, organizing his eyebrows.

“Oh yeah, it’s not like we make out every other tick and have sex whenever the rest of the crew is asleep.” Keith growled.

“I… I call that relieving of sexual tension.”

“Admit it, you have stronger feelings for me!”

“Oh look, we’re here!” Lance screeched, changing the topic as they landed on unfamiliar ground.

Keith let out a short grumble, “You know, I could always punch your teeth out for you…”

After searching the city for the teeth collector’s location, Keith and Lance managed to find her building. It was like a typical dental office only the aquarium was filled with unusual looking sharks.

“Aww!” Lance didn’t hesitate to scurry over to the fish tank as Keith went to the front desk.

“Hi, I have an appointment for my son here, his name is…” Keith peeked over the desk to see the appointment chart, “Jeremy Shada..? Yeah. Jeremy Shada.”

The receptionist wrote something down, “And you are?”

“Uh…” He looked at the list again, “Steve… Steven Yeun…”

“Ah, I see you have an appointment also?”

“I guess so..?”

“The please take a seat, the teeth collector will be right with you.” She exited her chair, walking down an empty hallway.

Keith let out a sigh of relief, “Thank goodness…” He didn’t know Lance’s last name and he wasn’t sure if they had some sort of space health insurance under Voltron. Was Voltron a job? Did they get vacation hours to form Voltron? Would they get their paycheck when the Galra were defeated? These were topics on Keith’s mind frequently.

“YEOUCH!” Lance screamed, squirming as an alien shark nibbled his finger.

“Lance, why the Quiznak would you do that?!” Keith ripped his partner’s arm out of the water, “You’re Jeremy Shada, by the way.”

“Jeremy Shada..? Who’s that?”

“You now.” Keith sat down in a waiting room chair, crossing his legs and arms, returning to his sulking position.

“…Still mad?” Lance asked.

“Yep.”

“Jeremy Shada.” A nurse called out and Lance started off with her.

“So, does the teeth collector have a boyfriend?” Lance beamed.

“What’s a boyfriend?” The nurse asked.

“You know it’s a guy you-… Never mind.” He entered the room he was assigned to and grimaced, “This doesn’t look much like a dentist office…”

The room wasn’t your average friendly but intimidating sedation station. It looked more like a dungeon. Like, a literal dungeon.

The nurse pushed him inside, “The teeth collector will be right with you.” She closed the door without a second thought or question.

“Uh, okay…” Lance sat in the rusty wall corner, “This seems a little unsanitary for a tooth doctor…”

* * *

 

Keith tapped his foot, anxiously awaiting Lance’s return. It had been nearly thirty ticks and Lance was still in the back. He hoped he wasn’t doing something fishy with that dentist otherwise he’d be slow roasting tonight, and not in a good way.

“Your turn Mr. Yeun.” The nurse beckoned him to the corridor.

“Oh, yeah…” He forgot he was also scheduled for a checkup. He hoped the real Steven Yeun wouldn’t be mad that someone robbed him of his teeth collecting.

He started to get suspicious when they walked down the hall. There was no sign of Lance anywhere. He froze when he heard a muffled scream behind one door.

“Sir, that isn’t your room.” The nurse said, sounding a little threatening.

Keith opened the door to find Lance being strangled by an evil looking alien woman that reminded him of the sharks from earlier.

“SAY AHHH!” She yelled, “YOUR TEETH MAY FEED MY CHILDREN!”

“KEITH!” Lance tried pulling her off, choking as her hand went down his gullet.

“Do humans not have teeth in their throat?”

“HEY!” Keith activated his black Bayard, slicing into her.

Lance gasped for air as the femalien screeched at her arm being chopped off. He grabbed his own Bayard and shot the nurse that was about to attack Keith.

“I got you… Buddy!” Lance smiled.

“I AM NOT YOUR BUDDY! ADMIT IT, I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND!” Keith called out as he started battling it out with the teeth collector.

“I WILL NEVER ADMIT IT!” Lance wailed as he shot through multiple sharks that suddenly grew legs to rescue their mother.

“LANCE, I SWEAR TO CORAN!”

“DON’T USE THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN!”

“I WILL MARRY YOU IF YOU DON’T ADMIT I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND!”

“YOU’RE NOT MY BOYFRIEND!”

“I AAAAAM!” Keith finished off the demon as Lance decapitated the last of the sharks.

The two panted, staring at each other.

“Don’t say we’re a good team or this sword will be the only thing going up your ass for the rest of your life.”  Keith hissed.

“…We might be boyfriends…” Lance admitted, face turning red.

“See? Was it really that hard?” Keith deactivated his Bayard, “Let’s go. Coran might know how to pull your teeth properly…”

* * *

 

“Ah yes! Pidge and I researched your human teeth anatomy and we have found a way to safely remove your wisdom teeth that doesn’t require being attacked by sharks!” Coran said cheerfully after Keith and Lance explained their situation to him, “I thought your tongue touching was a form of human fighting technique! You said you were training.”

The two’s faces became flushed.

“I was going to suggest you use it on Lotor to defeat him!”

Now they were maroon as Hunk and Pidge laughed like hyenas nearby.

“Can we just get rid of these stupid wisdom teeth?” Lance groaned, “They’re not as smart as they sound.”

* * *

 

Ticks later, Coran came out of Lance’s room with a pale Pidge.

“Surgery was a success!” Coran twisted his moustache cleverly.

“I’ve… Never seen so much… Blood…” The girl gulped, “I’m going to bed. Pray for me…”

“We gave Lance something to the equivalent of human pain medication. He’s gone a bit loopy, but he should be fine.”

Keith walked into the room, “Lance, are you-!” He covered his mouth as he burst into a fit of chuckles.

Lance had puffed cheeks, his hair a disaster and he had the dopiest grin on his face, “They gave me space weed. It’s lit, fam.”

“This is just too much!” Keith snapped a picture with Lance’s tablet, “Smile, Lance.” He took a selfie with the drugged-up boy. He’d have to show Lance his new wallpaper when he wasn’t high because Keith was smiling for once and Lance had a bloody grin looking like he was about to pass out.

“I think this is the best thing to ever happen to you.” Keith giggled as Lance fell asleep on his lap. He weaved his fingers soothingly through his lover’s hair, smiling fondly, “I don’t think wisdom teeth grow back though…”

"I can smell again..." Lance whispered in his sleep. And that was the day Lance's sinuses were saved. 

**Author's Note:**

> I was a little sad I didn't include Allura in this, sorry guys. She'll be around next one shot for sure. XD


End file.
